Three Steps to Monetize Your Pet
——taking a leaf from Karl Lagerfeld’s fashion book
My old Akita dog Xiongxiong used to bring me nothing but complaints: She barks a lot, pisses on the corridor, gives unfriendly looks, and bullies other dogs. Maybe, I say maybe that’s because my half-bred dog is not the best embodiment of good birth. Or that dogs are just better at being stupid and homely than chic and fashionable.
But where my Xiongxiong failed, another person’s cat has obviously taken up the mantle. Karl Lagerfeld’s choupette is rapidly establishing itself as a new fashion icon. The name Choupette is now almost as famous in fashion circles as that of her owner. Starting from 2013, Choupette has given a name to a wide range of fashion products: bags, shirts, gloves, scarves, iPhone covers, and key chains. There are so many celebrities with pets these days and they pose in all kinds of manners. How come that Choupette, a Birman cat, can make its name in the fashion world and earn herself a jealousy-inciting amount of three million euros a year?
Follow the three steps and maybe your chow chow can become a money spinner.
No. 1: Love your pet but love it with style (provided you can afford it).
You must provide the pet with two maids, preferably called Françoise and Marjorie. Your driver is also the chauffeur of princess animal. And of course always let the pet fly first class. Its own Twitter and Instagram account is a must. Write a book about her. 24-hour medical attention Manicure, hair, all those things are well taken care of. You have to persuade your audience that if they love such a stylish animal as your pet, they themselves will be directly associated with style. That the animal has some intrinsic value in itself. Otherwise who would want to spend $200 on a shirt with your stupid cat’s caricature imprinted on it?
No. 2: Shout out your love for your pet but shout it with style (tactfully).
Twitter exclamations and poses with your pet is not enough. Everyone can do that. Take interviews and tell people you don’t think the animal is just a good companion. Tell people that have it your way, you would even, say, marry it. Amaze your audience by describing how your cat moves more beautifully than any other layman cats. And that you are not unhappy because your pet is getting more attention from people than you are. Don’t ever forget to tell people that your cat sits (oh my god) next to you when you are working! Cats usually just don’t do that! Finally make sure that everyone know that you are exposing this cat to the public because that’s in the interests of the cat. Get your a good slogan, something like “I am commercial but she is not.
No. 3: Use your influence (provided you have any) to build a cult around your pet and make everyone say: That animal is one of a kind.
Ideally you should be the chief designer of Channel, Fendi and your own brand, three brands with a combined revenues exceeding, well, most other lesser known brands. Point at a cap with your pet’s cheeky face on it and declare its artistic charm and interest. Launch her namesake capsule makeup collection with Shu Uemura. Fill your fancy boutique stores with your cat products and use your fashion clout to persuade others that they should decorate themselves from top to toe with your cat’s presence.
Still wondering why your non-pedigree cat can only meow loudly on your non-couture couch?